You know it's me, Cathy

Student: Midori Haraguchi
Level: 4

Assignment: Use vocabulary from this chapter of Wuthering Heights to create your own dialogue.
(N.B. Midori loves the Brontë sisters. Reading Wuthering Heights was her own idea).


Cathy: ...........Heathcliff, fetch me the musty book, will you? I want to caricature
.......................Joseph.
Heathcliff: ....All right. Let's scrawl the detestable face.
Cathy: ...........Joseph is always croaking. He makes me crazy.
Heathcliff: ....I know. I want to hurl a cloak on his face.
Cathy: ...........By the way, if it is sunny tomorrow, why don't we scamper
.......................around the moor?
Heathcliff: ....It will be snug. We can mount the hill, too. I love basking on the
.......................hill heartily.
Cathy: ...........Yeah, it is our comfort, isn't it? I can't await tomorrow.
Heathcliff: ....Chathy, can you vow to be my only companion forever?
Cathy: ...........Yes. We will never be detached. Nothing can demolish us.

Naa Naa Joutai In Da Club

This popped up on my iTunes today. It reminded me that I'd never gotten around to posting the video. Namie Amuro is one of the only J-Pop singers I really got into when I was there. She's originally from Okinawa, which is probably the reason why she's so cool (and why she sings part in English, because of all the American military bases there).



安室奈美恵 — Wowa

Many Moons Ago

While massively procrastinating from studying for exams, I was going through my old sent mail folder and came across this email I sent to someone in 2003 who asked me how things were going in Japan.

I thought I'd share this trip down memory lane with all of you:

" Lots of stuff has happen in the last little while, all very interesting stuff like how I had to be in a dumb kabuki play about the 47 ronin and I wanted to be Yoshi but they made me be Ori. But then Mothra cut a huge swath through downtown and crushed the Hello Kitty factory, so it didn't matter anyway because I didn't have a job anymore. So I became a geisha, but it was fucking hard and there was this guy who kept doing stuff for me cause I picked up his hankerchief. Then the A-bomb killed all the samurai and the Emperor committed hara-kiri with a cherry blossom branch and I was right back where I started at the Osaka Seafood Concern. Oh, and I discovered the secrect to inner peace,.. but that's a whole other email. "

"She's Got Greta Garbo Stand-off Sighs"

Oh how I miss karaoke!

Even though Paris does have a "Little Tokyo" of sorts, I have yet to find any karaokeage of any kind. Most is distression to my emotionals and distractioning to mine singings.

I think there's no karaoke here because French people don't like to get roaringly drunk and belt out AC/DCs greatest hits. Pity.

Yōkoso Japan

Waaanh! What am I doing in stupid France with all their chocolate eclairs and cigarette smoke? Japan is amazing! I want to go back.

View Yōkoso Japan video.
.

I Japan went to and now no speaky English can do

I thought this one was especially apropos.

The Latest News from Nippon

Heavyweights panic as woman dives for sumo ring

Thu Sep 20, 12:05 PM

TOKYO (Reuters) - A woman invaded a sumo ring -- a sacred arena from which females are banned -- in Tokyo during a major tournament, domestic media said on Thursday, then was pulled down by a referee and one of the sport's huge wrestlers.

The middle-aged woman dashed from the side of the Kokugikan sumo stadium on Wednesday and shoved away a female security guard before rolling onto the ring just as a bout was set to begin, the Yomiuri newspaper said.

The Japan Sumo Association insisted that though the woman did enter the raised platform around the batting ring, she did not set foot on the ring, or dohyo, itself.

"It's bad for the heart," said Takamisakari, a popular wrestler who helped catch the woman, told the Sports Nippon daily. "What was the person trying to do while we were wrestling seriously?"

It was not clear why she had attempted to reach the ring during one of the sport's heavily televised six big tournaments, but she was carrying a bundle of flyers saying "help, bad spirits," Nikkan Sports daily reported.

Such an intrusion would be a severe faux pas for the ancient sport, which is so serious about keeping females out that a female governor of Osaka had to delegate prize-giving duties to a male subordinate at a 2001 tournament.

Japan's giant wrestlers battle it out in a ring with a diameter of 4.6 meters (15 feet) set in the centre of a sand stage raised around 50 centimeters (19 inches) from the ground.

Tradition forbids women from entering the ring on the grounds that it is sacred and their presence, considered unclean, would pollute it.

"It's just the way it's been from the past," an official from the sumo association said.

Women were also banned in the past from climbing mountains or entering mines in Japan.

Yahoo News

Just in time for Pride

Let's have a look at how our Geisha Sistaz are making Nihon a better place, one ramen shop at a time:



Well, that seems perfectly normal, don't you think?

Smoking Fish

.

Smoking fish are absolutely prohibited from the ground of Tokyo Disneyland. All fish found smoking on the premises will be immediately ejected from the park. No exceptions.

Yum!

My favourite.

Reverse TOEIC

Finally, all those hours of beating my head into the wall trying to teach TOEIC and TOEFL to Japanese students is actually going to pay off!

(For those of you not in the know, TOEIC and TOEFL are standardised English tests consisting of a series of exercises in frustration where, as a teacher, you want to scream and throttle the student – "Why can't you pick the right answer stupidhead!!! The answer is so obvious!!" – interspersed with questions of such bizarre impossibilitude that even a native speaker will throw up their hands in give-uppance-ness. Here's a sample.)

My grad school admissions exam for France is structured very similarly to the TOEIC/TOEFL tests. So while I'm underwhlemingly unconfident in my ability to actually pass this ragingly-hard test, at least I know all the tricks of the trade to squeeze every point I can out of the questions.

Fingers crossed!

Sumo A-Go-Go: A Tokyo Tintin Oriental Report

Way back, oh so many windchill warnings ago, in the magical happy time that was the full-frontal assault on sanity leading up to my Nippon departure, I went for a day of sumo at Ryōgoku Kokugikan Sumo Hall with my friend Clarisol (pictured). Ever the diligent Asian informant, I had wanted to blogofy my experience at that time, but it all got lost in the maelstrom that is trans-continental moving madness. Nevertheless, in the spirit of better late than even later, I now bring you the next in the groundbreaking and thought-provoking series; Tokyo Tintin Oriental Reports — providing you all the answers you need to know, straight from the Frenchie-Cracker-Reverse-Banana’s mouth.

Professional Sumo tournaments take place six times a year; once each in Fukuoka , Osaka and Nagoya and thrice yearly in Tokyo. Each tournament lasts two weeks, and while fights generally last only a few seconds each, hundreds of fights happen over the course of each day, so you do get to pack in a lot of wholesome, flabby, loincloth sumo goodness. The day begins at 10am with the lowest divisions, and younger more inexperienced wrestlers squaring off first. Big name superstar wrestlers only take the ring around 4:30, with heaps of pomp and pageantry associated with the highest divisions. Mega-famous wrestlers like Hakukō, Asashōryū, and my personal favourite Kotoōshū (who is actually Bulgarian) are common household names and can earn millions of yen a month in salary, prize money and endorsement deals for everything from yogurht to Nissan cars. These are the guys that everyone packs in to see, and because of this, most people skip the all the junior division bouts and only start arriving around 4pm. That means that for most of the day you're free to sit in any open seat until the ticket-holder comes along. So for my 15$ general admission ticket I was able to sit ring-side for a while in seats that normally go for +500$. Even after playing some empty seat bingo later on as people starting filing in, I still ended up in a seat not that far from the ring.

While the whole production may seem a bit rediculous at times with the big men in small loincloths pushing each other around, it's actually quite easy to get caught up in the ritual and high drama. Since most matches are of the blink-and-you-miss-it variety, the whole production clips along at a good pace, aided no doubt in part by the many Asahis and Japanese snacks plied on you by the usherettes (who are actually old men wearing traditional clothes).

Sumo is also a very social event, making friends and chatting with the people in the seats around you, gossipping about the wrestlers performances and private lives. Even though my Japanese sumo-related vocabulary is rather lacking, I was able to learn from my neighbours, as they commended my language skills and showered us with cookies, that Asashōryū broke the mirrors off an opponent's car after losing an important bout to him. A rousing sumo time was had by all.

The only slight marr on the event –which actually quite surprised me– had to do with Bulgarian-born wrestler, Kotoōshū. He is a very talented wrestler and will likely make the title of yokozuna (the super-mega MVP of sumo-dom), but when he entered the ring for his bout, many people in the audience booed him. There had been no other booing whatsoever during the whole course of the day – I was totally taken off guard and not expecting that. I guess people are nervous that a freaded foreign devil might take the top title of Japan's national sport. Shortly before I left, the sumo association passed a regulation that said that each sumo stable could only have one foreign-born wrestler training there — and at the same time the passed a resolution to improve the international profile of sumo wrestling. Ah Japan, Land of a Thousand Contradictions!

Morning Musume Against the World

A while ago, I posted a Christmassy Youtube which featured Japanese pop superstars “Morning Musume.” As I mentioned, they are akin to the Spice Girls — Not really my bag so much, but hugely popular; with a roster of up to 13 singers changing faster than you can say ‘sushi combo #3.’ They've been riding the crest of the J-Pop wave, in numerous permutations, for a decade now, and show no signs of abating really.

Along the way, it would seem that they have had some monkeyshine run-ins with the animal kingdom. First, boy-band Smap! dressed up as bizarro Christmas poodles to shoot a music video with them, and then things got all Mutual of Omaha-crazy on them. So now, I present to you:

.

Morning Musume and the Menagerie of Bizarritude!

Morning Musume vs. Komodo Dragon
I thought everyone had seen this already, so I hadn’t posted it here, but apparently not. Now remember, these girls are big stars in Japan…


Morning Musume vs. Polar Bear

Can you imagine anything even remotely like this happening here? Christ, they are good sports over there. Brittney would never put on a mouse costume and run through the owl barn when I asked her.

Morning Musume vs. Snake
I think the girl in this is from Morning Musume, but I’m not sure. Either way, WTF!!! How did this get on TV?!

Japanese for Half-Assed People VI

Genki: 元気: (ghen-key): adj., n. energetic

While the literal meaning of ‘genki’ is energetic, it’s used as a ‘how are you’-type greeting.

Ex:
A: Genki?
B: Un, genki!

(or more formally)
A: O-genki desu ka?
B: Hai, genki desu yo!

However, unlike “How are you?,” which is an open-ended question with many possible responses, “genki?” assumes the natural state is energetic and up — Anything else requires a dissenting and contradictory “no,” which is simply terrible for maintaining a good sense of wa (harmony).

Demanding happy conformity is oh-so very Japanese.

Japanese for Half-Assed People V

Hisashiburi: 久しぶり: (hee-sa-shii-bu-riiii): adv. After a long time

You say 'hisashiburi' as you would 'long time no see' — only that 'long time no see' makes you sound like a neo-maxi-zoom-dweebie, whereas hisashiburi ends with that same endearing, high-pitched squealy "iiiiii" that makes Japanese so kawaii and fun.

Example:

Jimmy Hoffa: "Hisashiburi!"
Gladys Hoffa: "Where the hell have you been?"

Japanese for Half-Assed People IV

Chō: 超: (cho): adj. Very

After a long hiatus, Japanese for Half-Assed People returns so that I can start to use this word again in my everyday English and have people understand me. I love this word and used it all the time, it’s so handy and fun: I’m chō tired; this train is chō late; Palau Jeff is chō kawaii.

In a very Japanese one-word-with-opposite-meanings, I thought that ‘chō,’ meaning ‘very’ was short for ‘chotto,’ which means ‘a little bit,’ but this is not the case. Japanese is a chō interesting language!

Where would we be without Nippon?

Oh those kooky Japanese! First they tricked everyone in the world into eating raw fish and driving small cars, now this. What nutty thing will they have us all doing next?



In other news, I was going back through my blog archive and realised that I've spat on Stephen Harper twice since putting him 'On Notice' (1, 2). —What the hell is he still doing there?

Off to the 'Dead to Me' section with you Mr Prime Minister. I don't doubt you'll piss me off again during your tenure, so maybe I'll have to create a new category even worse than 'Dead to Me.' —Any suggestions for names?

Deck the Halls

The decorations are up and I've started writing my Christmas cards. As I get all wrapped up in the spirit of the season, I decided to post this message of holiday cheer from the land of Annual-Gift-Man and his ten neon deer, Japan! This video is a collaboration between Morning Musume, (a kind of Japanese Spice Girls) and Smap! who are undoubtedly the most popular boy-band *ever*.



(Incidentally, the words of this song actually have nothing to do with Christmas whatsoever. I think it's something along the lines of a love song to a pet).

He's worse than Governor Schwartzenegger

I’m talking about Shintaro Ishihara, the evil, insane, xenophobic, misogynist governor of Tokyo. This ultra-right wing, über-nationalist mo-fo says things to the press that continually shock and disgust, yet he enjoys tremendous popular support among some. How this man has managed to get elected time and again just boggles the mind.

Here’s a sample of Ishihara highlights, (keep in mind that these are things that he actually said directly to the media, not overheard conversations or half-rumours);

※ "Old women without reproductive functions are useless."

※ Refering to the Nanjing Massacre in WWII where the Japanese Army raped and pillaged the then Chinese capital of Nanjing, killing hundreds of thousands of people; the lovely Mr Ishihara told Playboy magazine "They say we made a holocaust there, but that is not true. It is a lie made up by the Chinese."

※ Should a major earthquake occur, the governor is worried that "there is a possibility that foreigners who reside here will do something out of hand."

※ Mr Ishihara told a member of parliament who tried to encourage open political dialogue with North Korea, and thereby received death-threats and a letter bomb; "A bomb was planted there. I think it was deserved." !!! (That one’s my favourite).

Could you imagine, say, idunno, Dalton McGuinty standing up in the House of Commons and saying that so-and-so MP deserved to die because their opinions were different!?! He'd be lynched on the street probably, and would definitely have to resign toute suite.

But not Shintaro Ishihara, no, no. He just got re-elected! Even better, he’s a contender to be future prime minister of Japan!

And as if being and ultra-right wing über-nationalist dick wasn't bad enough, he had ties to the Aum Shinrikyo cult which killed 12 people with a poison gas attack on the Tokyo subway in 1995, and is a member of a crazy doomsday cult which may or may not have detonated a nuclear weapon in a secret underground facility in western Australia. I know it may seem lurid, but i'm not making any of this up.

Mr Ishihara; your views are abhorrant and disgusting. You are an evil, evil man. No ‘On Notice’ for you —do not pass ‘Go,’ do not collect 200$; you are officially… Dead to Me!

Japanese voting public, I’m putting you ‘On Notice’ for re-electing this jerk-face over and over. If new Prime Minister Shinzo Abe proves to be less of ultra-nationalist lackey than old Koizumi, you might be able to get yourselves off notice. You’ve been warned.

God Damn It!

Japan mulls comeback after whaling defeat

For the love of God, what is the freakin deal with the bloody Japanese obsession with whaling? It's not the 1840s for Christ sake! Why won't they take a clue from, uh, I dunno, *every other country in the whole freakin world* and just let it go!!!

Shortly before I left Tokyo, a student asked me what I thought about eating whale, clearly knowing exactly how every foreigner feels about the issue, but just looking to get a rise out of me. Well, I was certainly not in the mood for any diplomatic beating around the bush that day, let me tell you!

Takashi: "What do you think about eating whales?"
Me: "Well Takashi, it's wrong and people shouldn't do it."
Takashi: "But it's traditional Japanese culture."
Me: "Right, but it's also traditional Japanese culture to wear a kimono. If traditional culture is so important, why aren't wearing a kimono right now?"
Takashi: ". . ." [standard Japanese scilence in response to a direct question]
Takashi: "That's different."
Me: "Why?"
Takashi: ". . ."
Me: "To be honest Takashi, I don't see how it is different. People used to do lots of things in the past that they no longer do anymore because times and attitudes have changed. I think eating whale is one of those things."
Takashi: ". . ."
Me: "Anyway Takashi, open your text to lesson 23..."

Aaah, why why why must Japan always insist on being so contrary!