2006 Year In Review

The end of the year is nigh upon us, so it's time for my annual spot of reflection and quiet contemplation which I'm sharing with all of you, my beautiful friends, and, uh, everyone else by posting it here (though I've heard some places in Turkmenistan might not yet have internet).

Every year I like to think back on the people, places and events that make up my own personal Time magazine 'Year In Review.' What makes the highlight reel, what winds up on the cutting room floor? In the spirit of "out-with-the-old," let’s start with the lowlights:

§...While the rest of this list is presented in no particular order, by far and away the worst thing of 2006 was Jase moving back to Australia. I could yimmer-yammer on for reams and crack out the thesaurus to find new words for "bad," but Jase and I both know how much it sucked. Especially the Shinjuku Station part, but also the run up and the aftermath part.

§...Back to Canada Packing Freak-Out. I thought I was doing so well, shipping off boxes far in advance, then I put one thing in my suitcase and realised that there was no way in hell everything was going to fit in there! How can you pack four years of living and shopping into a suitcase? I started to panic, and might have even hyperventilated at one point. The stress was overwhelming.

§...Getting shingles. Blah, I felt like death.

§...Taking a pay cut coming back to Canada.

§...Going home after work to an empty house in April and May.

§...Twice a week help shifts from hell at Nakano Sakaue, featuring the absolute *thickest* students. (Also, though to a lesser extent, help shifts at Nakano Minami and Kami Shakujii; terrible).

§...Reality check coming back to Toronto: the city is dirty, public transit sucks, the shopping is lame.

§...Voice Room with Masaharu (or the voice room in general). For any non-Nihon readers out there, words are not enough to describe the drawn-out torture that is a conversation circle with people who refuse to converse with each other.

§...Being totally rudderless and without direction when I got back to Toronto.

§...Leaving Tokyo, which really felt like my home for four years, and leaving lots of friends from all over the place, knowing it might be a long long time before I saw them again. The Narita Express to the airport was particularly brutal. I think I cried the whole two-hour ride.

Blah! That was a depressing trip down memory lane —Now begone with you bad thoughts! Time for the highlights of the year past, again in no particular order:

‡...Meeting Amazing Race winners BJ and Tyler walking along Yonge Street. They were so friendly and personable, I couldn't believe it! They both gave me big hugs and seemed genuinely interested in chatting with me. By far and away the most amazing Amazing-Racers *ever,* I can't wait to see them in All-Stars next season. TTOW!!

‡...My final day at Nova. Emancipation at last! Never again will I have to deal with the likes of Keiko Minaguchi, Masaharu and Rina, teach TOEIC to idiots, or answer the dreaded question "Why did you come to Japan?" Thank god!

‡...Travel will inevitably always make up part of the "Best Of," and this year was no exception. Quite a diverse year with my overland trip from Beijing to Tokyo, New York jaunt, Algonquin, and of course the Dark Continent. If I had to pick out just one thing, it would be in Ghana as our dilapidated taxi was driving into the countryside after Aflao, though emerald rice fields and swaying coconut trees, sun shining, African highlife music playing on the stereo. A truly perfect moment.

‡...All the absolutely top-quality people I've had the great fortune to meet since coming back here. Toronto may have its drawbacks, but it's the amazingness of the people that really makes it a great place to live. Micheal, Dave, Jolie-kun, Ric and Rob; I'd probably have gone sushi-homesick-crazy and wound up back in Tokyo, desperate and penniless, working the corner of Yasukuni-dōri and Meiji-dōri if it hadn't been for the likes of you guys.

‡...Finding a direction to my life (finally). It's all still up in the air at this point, so knock wood and don't jinx it, but all signs point to me going to back to school (in gay Paree) to become a translator. Fingers crossed — though I think this is definitely got me going somewhere, so watch out; I'm back on track (and back in black).

‡...Sex with models. Okay, only one model –and I know it's really shallow to include it here– but whatever, it was hot.

‡...Oh, and here comes more shallowness: Great shopping buys. Blue jacket, swimsuit, belt-buckle, I think Century 21 might be my new favourite place anywhere, though it's a tough call between that and Gotemba Premium Outlet Mall. I fully admit to being really, really lame, but whatever – I do what I want!

‡...Of course a 2006 highlight would be seeing all my awesome family and friends again after so long away, as well as an exciting renewal of the 'Social Calendar' featuring the long-anticipated return of the annual Island Barbeque and the introduction of Quiz Night. —Thanks you guys for making the Social Calendar the cavalcade of hijinxs I've come to know and love.

‡...After a similar round-up from last year, in which I decided I was too skinny in the chestal-arms region, I resolved to do push-ups and that kind of mild physical exertion, which has actually paid off. Look better, feel better. And as addendum to my new Participaction regime, I spent a tonne of time at the outdoor pool around the corner from my house this summer – so much fun!

‡...You can’t help but love Disneyland, and Tokyo Disney is no exception – especially with Jase and our chō baka antics, like posing for the hidden camera on the Temple of Doom ride (right before the rolling boulder), and eating something from every different “Land” in the park. Jase even went on the teacups, just to make me happy, even though it made him queasy. What a trooper!

“What Was I Thinking? 2006”

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That tie doesn’t go with that shirt!

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“Best Dressed 2006”
I know this is a re-post, but retro-terrorist chic is so hot this year.

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"Favourite Photos 2006"

This is my favourite photo of me from the past year

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My favourite photo I took in 2006 — Statue of former 'Life President' Kwame Nkrumah at the National Museum in Accra. I don't know what exactly it is about it, but I feel it conveys a lot of emotion.

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"New Year’s Resolutions"

As per tradition, my New Year’s resolution is always to be more fabulous. First, let’s year-in-review the fabulosity of 2006: black pony-hair shoes; fabulous. One year, four continents; fabulous! This photo of me is pretty fabulous:

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Not so fabulous: my job, the commute, emo-robot Nihon-jin staring at me as I cry inconsolably in Shinjuku station (various occasions), shingles scars on my face (thankfully mostly gone now).

I would currently rate my fabulousness level at ‘glitter’ with a dip down to ‘glimmer’ in the aftermath of “Sayonara Nippon.” I’m aiming for a ‘sparkle’ rating in 2007 – ambitious, but I think I can make it.

Best wishes, good luck and rockin' times to all of you in the year ahead. Happy New Year! Bonne Année! ¡Feliz Año Nuevo! 明けましておめでとうございます ! 恭賀新禧!

Japanese for Half-Assed People IV

Chō: 超: (cho): adj. Very

After a long hiatus, Japanese for Half-Assed People returns so that I can start to use this word again in my everyday English and have people understand me. I love this word and used it all the time, it’s so handy and fun: I’m chō tired; this train is chō late; Palau Jeff is chō kawaii.

In a very Japanese one-word-with-opposite-meanings, I thought that ‘chō,’ meaning ‘very’ was short for ‘chotto,’ which means ‘a little bit,’ but this is not the case. Japanese is a chō interesting language!

Doppelgängers

Last weekend my new BFF Joel and I realised that we are actually the same person! Super-freaky!

Let's review the evidence shall we: our birthdays are only six days apart, so we are both dark and brooding, pensive Capricorns. We are both left-handed. We are both essentially 'reverse bananas,' for lack of a better term (white on the outside, yellow on the inside). (Oops! Is that offensive? Whatever— everyone knows I'm actually a Chinese spy who had extensive plastic surgury to infiltrate this Gay Agenda terrorist cell). We are both productive in the mornings. We are both insanely cute (and in uploading this photo I notice that our eyes are even the same colour). Really the list goes on and on.

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Joel, we are so exactly the same person. All you need now is to live in Tokyo for four years and then people won't even be able to tell us apart — which will be awesome because then we can cruise together for guys with hot, twisted twin fantansies. Sugoi! I can't wait!

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Hot Survivor Gayness

Alternate title: "Black, Brown, Yellow Power!"

Last night's Survivor: Cook Islands final episode capped off the most action-packed season since All Stars. The ups, the downs, the come-from-behind, Aitu, Raro, great challenges, and the racial divide. Kudos to you Cook Islands!

During the reunion show, Drumboy said "I think JP is gay" —and while the the though that this muy caliente pro volleyball player was a bender never occured to me during the course of the season, a few clicks of the internet confirmed his raging hot festiveness (1, 2, 3). Apparently there's even been rumours circulating that JP and fellow teammate Brad have been having their own tribal council, if you know what i'm saying (1).

In honour of JP's amazing pecs, I present to you a retrospective of lustyful Survivors of yore. Enjoy!

Jeff - Palau

Silas - Africa














Jed - Thailand

Kel - Australia

John - Vanuatu

Aras - Panama
















Burton - Pearl Islands

Johnathan - Palau

Three Things

Thanks to Joel via Dave for keeping me entertained and thinking whilst bored at work.

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THREE THINGS THAT SCARE ME
1. Evangelical Christians
2. Conservatives
3. Male Pattern Baldness

THREE THINGS I DON'T UNDERSTAND
1. Why people are conservative - if no one was ever progressive, we'd all still be cavemen
2. The insanely low production values of Japanese television
3. The appeal of casinos

THREE THINGS I'D LIKE TO LEARN
1. Proper Japanese - none of this half-assed, casual convo only nonsense.
2. How to snowboard. I feel like a lame-o dinosaur with my skis now.
3. Why Jeffery won Project Runway when he had some pieces that were totally ugly and he went over budget! —Uli should have definitely won.

THREE THINGS I'M WEARING RIGHT NOW
1. Grey and yellow Uniqlo socks
2. Lucky horseshoe belt buckle
3. "Envy" by Gucci

THREE THINGS ON MY DESK - well, I don't have a desk at home and my desk at work is maximally lame, so, three things on my dresser then:
1. Photos of 'the big three'
2. an unhappy plant
3. map of Europe circa 1901 waiting to be framed (I'm such a nerd)

THREE THINGS I WANT TO DO BEFORE I DIE
1. Travel around the world without leaving the ground (no planes)
2. See a couture fashion show
3. Slut my way from Madrid to Moscow

THREE GOOD THINGS ABOUT MY PERSONALITY
1. I'm pretty unflappable; it takes a lot to get my feathers ruffled
2. Independent; e.g. some people don't like to travel alone, I love it! Total freedom
3. Confident; I always feel everything will work out just fine, and when it doesn't, see #1.

THREE BAD THINGS ABOUT MY PERSONALITY
1. Avoidance. I tend to avoid problems, which in turn causes more problems later on
2. I'm a bad conversationalist – I don't feel comfortable offering things up in many situations
3. Aloof – I'd often rather spend time with myself then make awkward chitchat with acquaintances

THREE PARTS OF MY HERITAGE
1. French Canadian
2. Tintin
3. Nomad

THREE THINGS I LIKE ABOUT MY BODY
1. Jaw
2. Calves (Calfs?)
3. Cheekbones Waist

THREE THINGS I DON'T LIKE ABOUT MY BODY
1. Foreskin – or more correctly, lack thereof
2. Hair on my hands
3. Arms (skinny)

THREE THINGS MOST PEOPLE DON'T KNOW ABOUT ME
1. Although a staunch left-handist, I bowl with my right hand
2. I never learned to read music and had to cheat all the way through elementary school instrumental music class
3. Currently I've completed 12% of my goal of visiting the whole world.

THREE THINGS I SAY THE MOST
1. Awesome. - Used both ironically and non-ironically
2. Vis-à-vis
3. Sugoi!

THREE PLACES I WANT TO GO
Only three? —Jeez. Well for the time being:
1. Brazil
2. Morocco
3. Tahiti

Where would we be without Nippon?

Oh those kooky Japanese! First they tricked everyone in the world into eating raw fish and driving small cars, now this. What nutty thing will they have us all doing next?



In other news, I was going back through my blog archive and realised that I've spat on Stephen Harper twice since putting him 'On Notice' (1, 2). —What the hell is he still doing there?

Off to the 'Dead to Me' section with you Mr Prime Minister. I don't doubt you'll piss me off again during your tenure, so maybe I'll have to create a new category even worse than 'Dead to Me.' —Any suggestions for names?

Apocalypto

In a word: Vivid.

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Go see this movie!!

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I'm putting it straight into consideration for one of my favourite movies of all time.

PM calls Quebec 'a nation'

Toronto Star article here

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I have rather mixed feelings about this. In a way it’s good, but in another way it’s rather insulting. Why are only Quebecers a ‘nation’ and not all French-Canadians? Does that mean that Anglo-Quebecers are a part of that nation as well? What about First Nations’ people who live in Quebec; do they belong to their aboriginal nation or their Quebec nation?

Declaring a nation of all the people who happen to live in the arbitrarily delineated geographical area of Quebec is problematic since it excludes the millions of Franco-Ontarians, Franco-Manitobans and Acadians who made this country part of what it is, and who struggled (much harder than Quebecers, I’d say) to maintain their cultural identity against the dominant Anglo culture.

Yet again I’m frustrated by how Quebecers have shanghaied this whole issue and made it about politics and self-aggrandisement and basically nothing at all to do with preserving French language and culture in North America. In a way this declaration is a double slap in the face to non-Quebec French Canadians; the perpetual we-don’t-care-about-you slap from the Québécois, and now the you-are-irrelevant slap from the federal government.

For a group which is the largest language minority in six out of nine provinces, we’re not getting much love!

Deck the Halls

The decorations are up and I've started writing my Christmas cards. As I get all wrapped up in the spirit of the season, I decided to post this message of holiday cheer from the land of Annual-Gift-Man and his ten neon deer, Japan! This video is a collaboration between Morning Musume, (a kind of Japanese Spice Girls) and Smap! who are undoubtedly the most popular boy-band *ever*.



(Incidentally, the words of this song actually have nothing to do with Christmas whatsoever. I think it's something along the lines of a love song to a pet).

The Amazing Race: West Africa Edition

Overall, I would categorise the trip as “awesome” with a third-worldness factor of 10++. Even after living in China and Mexico, West Africa still seemed mega-poor in comparison. Garbage-eating vultures, open sewers, guinea worm parasites; you name it, West Africa has it en masse. Ghana seemed to have more potholes than roads, and Togo means corruption and bad government in the local Ewe language. (Bénin had smooth pavement and laid-back people, but we only saw a tiny slice of the country, so I’ll reserve judgement on that one). Despite the poverty, the trip was faaantastic. The few minor annoyances (over-charging taxi drivers, border hassle) were more than made up for by the super-friendly people who would wave and laugh and ask “Ça va?” every time us silly yovos walked by. Bonus props to the Ghanaian border guard who bought us all water because we were having trouble digging some Ghanaian change out of our luggage to pay the vendor.

I didn’t really know what to expect on this trip; travelling to some of the poorest countries in the world, with three girls (one of whom had never third-worlded it before), and an ATM card that I didn’t have confidence would work. I’ll let my photos do most of the talking for me, but if you’d like some additional text, both Jenni and Ashley’s blogs have excellent travelogue postings about our trip.


“A Detour is a choice between two tasks, each with its own pros and cons”

Accra versus Lomé

Accra (pronounced ah-KRÁ, not AK’ra as I had thought all this time) didn’t really make sense to me as a city. There seemed to be no central commercial area at all, just a lot of disjointed, spread-out buildings high on 70s ‘futuristic’ mishmash and low on colonial charm. Often times we would be driving along in the taxi and I’d have the feeling we were driving down country lanes, not in the middle of a two-million-strong metropolis. I thought the British were supposed to be good city-builders — I’m not sure what they had in mind in Accra, but they certainly didn’t achieve it. I spent most of my time there wondering where the city actually was. And despite the fact that the city has a pretty beautiful beach-side location, you’d hardly know it. The only things down by the water are disused stadia, slums, a prison, and overgrown monuments to past presidents full of crumbling concrete and weeds. The one thing Accra did have was a sushi restaurant run by real Japanese people! As I stared across the street at it, all I could think of was ‘How on earth did they end up in Ghana?’ —That’d be an interesting story no doubt.

Lomé, by contrast, did feel like a real city – a threadbare city only a palm frond away from falling apart at the seams – but an understandable city nonetheless. The market and commercial area in the centre, administrative buildings over there, residential area over here, and a beautiful (if under-used) beach along the waterfront. Apparently, back in the day, Lomé used to be the hoppin’ and happenin’ hub of West Africa. IR geeks among us might recognise the Lomé Convention which gathered together all the developing world movers and shakers in order to gain preferential access to the EU market of their former colonial overlords. But that was way back in 1975 before greedy graft and corrupt politics took over and wound Lomé down into the sleepy afterthought it is today. I dug the sandy streets, cool palm-lined boulevards and rare colonial building that would peek out behind the bougainvillea.


“A Roadblock is a task which only one team member may perform”

In my case, that would be using my French to deal with belligerent Togolese taxi drivers who took us down scary dirt tracks at night, in the dark, in the middle of nowhere, in order to avoid paying-off the guards at military checkpoints along the main route (thereby saving himself somewhere in the region of 50¢). Other than this situation, I was happy to be able to put my French to use in a non-work environment for once. Finally it comes in handy! And I was also happy that K and Jenni held their own in French –I didn’t have to be the intermediary in all their market haggling and restaurant ordering. Bon travaille K and Jenni! Deux étoiles d'or!

It was also great to be able to speak French without struggling with a France-y French pronunciation. I could be as flat I wanted because it was easier for the people there to understand. I loved it! I wish I could do the same at work too, unfortunately I don't think that would fly with the pure laine Québécois.

Another thing I was called on to do a few times by K was to 'be the man' in dealings with officials and drivers. I think this offended Jenni's feminist sensibilities, but that's just the way things are over there. Generally K would start off the bargaining, (she obviously knew much more about it than anyone else), and I would standby in case the haggling started to take a turn south 'cause K was getting no props from the men. Then I'd step in and wow them with my superior and monotone French, announcing that XXX was our final price. Generally I think our "good cop, bad cop" routine got us good results and fair prices (even if our taxi drivers didn't always know where they were going).


“Warning: Yield Ahead”

The people, food, history, beaches and culture all make West Africa a fantastic travel destination. The only major drawback in my mind (apart from parasites of course) was the transportation system – or more correctly, the lack thereof. Getting from A to B seemed to be the cause of pretty much all our hassles and headaches during the trip. Since all transportation is essentially private vehicles being hired out, you're always dealing with aggressive touts, 'the tourist price', dilapidated, rusting vehicles spewing exhaust and drivers who don't know the way. Now I realise that these governments have a priority to feed their people ahead of building zippy expressways and nice trains, but the serious lack of infrastructure can only exacerbate the region's poor economic development. Companies aren't exactly going to be jumping over each other to invest in a place where it might take almost four hours to move their goods 120 kms (as it took us to travel from Accra to Cape Coast).

But like I said, everything else was amazing, and I wouldn't let a couple of hot and dusty taxi rides across the savannah deter anyone from having their very own West African adventure. Here are my hot tips and quick picks for anyone out there considering a jaunt to 'the Dark Continent':

HIGHLIGHTS:
• the beaches, especially Anomabo Beach in Ghana
• the food, especially gari foto (like couscous), Jollof rice (kind of fried rice), brochettes (spicy grilled meat on sticks), and palava sauce
• village visit
• market shopping (somehow always immensely more satisfying that shopping in a store)

• Elmina town; beautiful setting, oozing colonial atmosphere thanks to a UNESCO programme promoting preservation and economic development of heritage buildings

BE SURE TO:
• Pick up some CDs of West African music – people hawk them everywhere for cheap on the side of the street – also, Rough Guides has some good compilations of West African music if you want to get in the mood before you go.
• Figure out the visa situation ahead of time. I saved myself 85$ over Jenni and Ashely by getting one single-entry visa and one transit visa for Ghana instead of getting a multiple-entry visa like they did. We all saved ourselves 35$ by getting our Togolese visa at the border rather than at the embassy in Ottawa.
• Find out if you’re your bank card will work there – mine didn’t, despite assurances from my bank that it ‘probably’ would. I was prepared for the possibility and got cash advances on my Visa. (Mastercard is useless in West Africa). Ashley’s card worked in Ghana, but wouldn’t work in Togo.
• Brush up on your French – trying to get by with English only might be possible but tricky in Togo and Bénin. You'll save yourself a lot of trouble if you just muddle through the murky memory of your high school French text. Learning a few words of Twi (in Ghana), or Ewe (in Togo) will get you big smiles and maybe a lower price in the market.

• If you use a digital camera, be sure to show people the pictures you take of them – they love it

• Eat at 'Country Kitchen' in Accra for some dee-licious food with fancy Ghanaians

IF I'D HAD MORE TIME:
• Mole National Park in the north of Ghana is supposed to be the best place in the world to get close to elephants
• Abomey in Bénin was the capital of a huge West African kingdom in pre-colonial days and you can visit the restored palaces
• Tamberma country in the isolated far north of Togo where people live in fortress-like homes built for protection against slave-raiders from Abomey
• Kumasi in central Ghana reportedly has the best market in West Africa and palaces of the Asante kings dot the city

So, what are you waiting for!? Go buy your ticket already!

Mid-Trip Report

We are now in enjoying Togo after our stay in Ghana. Here are the highlights so far: Elmina, Anomabo Beach, delicious Ghanian food, cinematic beachfront Togolese border-post.

Having a great time. Details to follow.

Hope you are all well back home.

Eco Granola Hippy Travel

In a bit of last minute preparation for my jaunt to Africa, I’ve been investigating ways to make my trip “climate neutral,” whereby the pollution generated by my air travel is offset by investment in reforestation and renewable energy sources.

Air travel is one of the largest producers of CO₂ gas and releases emissions high in the atmosphere, where the climate change impact is even greater. I was somewhat horrified to learn, for example, that my return flight to Ghana will contribute as much to climate change as an average household's gas and electricity use over a whole year! Yikes!

Rough Guides together with Lonely Planet and others in the travel industry are supporting a carbon offset scheme run by climatecare.org. They have interesting projects which would seem to have direct and beneficial impact to local people, such as distributing fluorescent lightbulbs in Central Asia or efficient cook-stoves in Bangladesh. (There's also carbonzero.ca if you'd prefer a Canadian slant on carbon neutralisation).

Offsetting my flight is going to cost about 40$, a tiny fraction of what I paid for my ticket, and definitely money well spent. While I generally dislike all the additional fees that come along with buying a plane ticket, I would support a mandatory ‘climate change tax’ to be included. If IATA made this mandatory for all air travel, the impact it could have would be tremendous.

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If off to the airport in about an hour. Enjoy my blog while I'm gone!

Freak-o-rama!

Pelican swallows pigeon in park

Families and tourists in a London park were left shocked when a pelican picked up and swallowed a pigeon.

The unusual wildlife spectacle in St James's Park was caught on camera by photographer Cathal McNaughton.
He said the Eastern White pelican had the unfortunate pigeon in its beak for more than 20 minutes before swallowing it whole.
An RSPB spokesman said: "It is almost unheard of for a pelican to eat a bird. Their diet should be strictly fish."
Mr McNaughton, from the Press Association, said: "The pelican was on the towpath preening itself, and there were a lot of tourists watching it.

"Then the bird got up and strolled along until it reached one of the pigeons, which it just grabbed in its beak.
"There was a bit of a struggle for about 20 minutes, with all these people watching. The pelican only opened its mouth a couple of times.
"Then it managed to get the pigeon to go head first down its throat. It was kicking and flapping the whole way down."
There are currently five pelicans living near Duck Island in St James's Park - four Eastern Whites and one Louisiana Brown.
Pelicans were introduced into the park during King Charles II's reign as a gift from the Russian ambassador.

As Rick James would say: SUPER-FREAKY!
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(BBC article)

He's worse than Governor Schwartzenegger

I’m talking about Shintaro Ishihara, the evil, insane, xenophobic, misogynist governor of Tokyo. This ultra-right wing, über-nationalist mo-fo says things to the press that continually shock and disgust, yet he enjoys tremendous popular support among some. How this man has managed to get elected time and again just boggles the mind.

Here’s a sample of Ishihara highlights, (keep in mind that these are things that he actually said directly to the media, not overheard conversations or half-rumours);

※ "Old women without reproductive functions are useless."

※ Refering to the Nanjing Massacre in WWII where the Japanese Army raped and pillaged the then Chinese capital of Nanjing, killing hundreds of thousands of people; the lovely Mr Ishihara told Playboy magazine "They say we made a holocaust there, but that is not true. It is a lie made up by the Chinese."

※ Should a major earthquake occur, the governor is worried that "there is a possibility that foreigners who reside here will do something out of hand."

※ Mr Ishihara told a member of parliament who tried to encourage open political dialogue with North Korea, and thereby received death-threats and a letter bomb; "A bomb was planted there. I think it was deserved." !!! (That one’s my favourite).

Could you imagine, say, idunno, Dalton McGuinty standing up in the House of Commons and saying that so-and-so MP deserved to die because their opinions were different!?! He'd be lynched on the street probably, and would definitely have to resign toute suite.

But not Shintaro Ishihara, no, no. He just got re-elected! Even better, he’s a contender to be future prime minister of Japan!

And as if being and ultra-right wing über-nationalist dick wasn't bad enough, he had ties to the Aum Shinrikyo cult which killed 12 people with a poison gas attack on the Tokyo subway in 1995, and is a member of a crazy doomsday cult which may or may not have detonated a nuclear weapon in a secret underground facility in western Australia. I know it may seem lurid, but i'm not making any of this up.

Mr Ishihara; your views are abhorrant and disgusting. You are an evil, evil man. No ‘On Notice’ for you —do not pass ‘Go,’ do not collect 200$; you are officially… Dead to Me!

Japanese voting public, I’m putting you ‘On Notice’ for re-electing this jerk-face over and over. If new Prime Minister Shinzo Abe proves to be less of ultra-nationalist lackey than old Koizumi, you might be able to get yourselves off notice. You’ve been warned.

Happy United Nations Day!

Today is United Nations Day everyone.

I think we should all take a minute to appreciate my nerdiness for both knowing that October 24th is United Nations Day and for being able to name all of the flags in this picture.

Thank you United Nations for make the world a better place!

Tan-tastic!

In preparation for my trip to Africa, I’ve been going to the tanning salon to get a bit of a tan so that I don’t burn to a crisp as soon as I step off the plane onto the sizzling tarmac of Accra’s airport.

Now before everyone throws up their arms in a fit of protestations, I’m well aware of the melanoma implications of suntans, and am feeling considerable guilt for doing something which is so clearly bad for you. The simple fact of the matter however, is that tan people are damn sexy!

I would love to be able to keep up the tanning once I get back from my trip, but unfortunately am going to lapse back into wintery pale pastiness because of stupid UV radiation. Why is it that every fun and good is bad for you? Just once I’d like to hear a report saying that fried chicken cures cancer.

Am I going to hell for even considering keeping up the tan once I get back?

Pope calls same sex-unions 'weak and deviant'

As if it wasn't bad enough that we had to wait a million years for John-Paul to die, now we're stuck with awful Ratzinger who is even worse!

This article is so chock-a-block full of the Pope's contractions that it makes my head want to explode

First he says the Church must say "'no' to weak and deviant forms of love." Now I didn't pay a whole lot of attention in Sunday school, but I'm pretty sure Jesus loved everybody, no matter who they were, or what kind of love they had. But I guess the Bible has been wrong this whole time, and we should only love old white European men who wear eccentric hats and who try to micro-manage everyone’s lives.

Then he said that the Church did not want to be “a political agent” but wanted to help shape social policy. Given that he won’t shut up about equal marriage and threatens Canada’s politicians with eternal damnation for not forcing their private Catholic views on our civil government, I can’t see how he’s not trying to exert his political influence. A theocracy might be fine for some right-wing lunatics, but a mediaeval church state is not my idea of a good time. Quite frankly, in the 21st century the Church has no business whatsoever trying to tell Government what to do. We already gave the Church a chance; it was called the Dark Ages, and no one really much cared for it the first time around.

And finally, in a fit of hypocrisy so overwhelming as to be literally sickening, the Pope complained that “unjustifiable,” “ancient prejudices” were hindering state funding for Catholic schools in Italy. Since ancient prejudices are something Catholics are experts at; it must be quite difficult to have the tables turned now. Oh boo-hoo, people in Italy don’t want to give money to religious schools. How upsetting that must be. Well on behalf of the millions and millions of women, non-Christians and gays who have suffered and died because of the Church’s ancient prejudices: Screw You!

That’s it Pope Benedict! You’ve barely been around for a whole year and you’ve already pissed me off far too many times. You are officially: Dead to Me! —I can only hope that unlike Pope JP, we won’t have to wait too long before you’re dead to everyone else as well.

Hey Benny, here’s a tip: if you’re worried about nose-diving church attendance all over the world, maybe you should try modernising your Nut-Job House of Rules and Prejudice and stop trying to pretend that we’re all living in the 13th century.

Morning Radio Indignance

I was listening to the radio this morning while I was getting ready to go to work and an ad for the movie Flags of our Fathers about the American flag raising at Iwo Jima during the Second World War. Now normally I wouldn’t go in for this kind of Jerry-Bruckheimer-esque-schlock-o-rama, but if that’s your cup of tea, go right ahead —we can’t all like art flicks about suffering Albanian orphans.

However, after listening to this commercial, I’m now on a mission to make sure no Canadian worth their poutine sees this movie. The commercial announcer was talking: “Blah, blah, blah. Schlocky patriotic rah-rah …it was our country’s greatest battle…”

—I have a hard time understanding how the Battle of Iwo Jima could be Canada’s greatest battle since no Canadians were actually there!

Clearly, Warner Brothers just took the American commercial and slapped it on the radio up here thinking everything would be just fine, in a clear lapse of know-your-market advertising. Consequently, I’m calling for a boycott of this film (which you probably wouldn’t have seen anyway) to defend our national honour and to protest American ignorance and steamrollering.

I officially give Flags of our Fathers two thumbs down!

Jeff Probst: "Tilley hats represent your life on the island"

See Jennifer's blog to watch my Africa travel companions Jenni and Ash go head to head in a What Not To Wear: Africa Version as they hash out the demerits of money belts and hole-y underwear. They've been warned that at the first sign of Jeff Probst-esque clothing, I’m ditching them in the market with their safari vests and cargo shorts so they can embarrass themselves without me.

Besides, I’ll be too busy on the beach ogling sexy Euro travelers to try to save them from their heinous fashion crimes.

Just remember ladies, “khaki” is an Arabic world for “Hello, I’m a fatty tourist dumb-dumb with lots of expensive camera equipment. Please steal and take advantage of me.”

Ça plane pour moi

Looking out my office window, somewhat hungover, staring at the first freaking snow flurries(!!) of the year, i became instantly depressed. Blah! So I decided to post this here to make myself feel better.



How awesome is Plastic Bértrand? This new wave punk-pop masterpiece was named one of the best songs ever by Joey Ramone and is featured in pretty much every teen movie where the characters go to France (including a personal favourite of mine National Lampoons European Vacation).

"I am the king of the divan!"

(Maybe it's just the hot pink leather jacket, but does Monsieur Bértrand look like a really cute gay man or what?)