Stephen Effing Harper!

As if it wasn't bad enough to be forced to watch our tax dollars being wasted on Stéphan Dion smear ads during prime time, then this poll came out showing that the Conservatives are actually gaining support! From who!?! Why?!?

Lets review a few of the asinine thing Harper has done since taking power just one short (though eternity-seeming) year ago:

¤ Reopened the (already settled by the Supreme Court) equal marriage debate
¤ Cut spending on social programmes despite having a 13 billion dollar surplus
¤ Cancelled a national daycare plan
¤ Reneged on the landmark Kelowna Accord, a ten-year, five billion dollar commitment designed to address First Nations poverty

Oh yeah, and he didn't address the World AIDS conference in Toronto, or ratify laws regarding the Kyōto Protocol. Really the list goes on and on, but why bother? We all know that Stephen Harper is a mangy, snake-faced, pig-dog boil on the scabby donkey ass of humanity. I really didn't think it was possible for me to have a lower opinion of him.

Until now.

During a speech in the House of Commons, Harper accused Sikh, Liberal MP Navdeep Bains of somehow being implicated in the Air India bombing over the North Atlantic in 1985, and accused the Liberals of creating a cover-up on Bain's behalf by refusing to to extend provisions in anti-terrorism law. Now never mind the fact that Bains was nine years old in 1985 — he's a Sikh, and Sikhs were involved in the bombing and therefore all Sikhs are bad. The alleged connexion between Bains and the Air India attack was that his father-in-law is on a list of potential list of witnesses for the Air India probe. Again lets ignore the fact that Bains had not yet met his father-in-law (being nine and all), and that hundreds of Sikhs are being considered as witnesses — brown people are all terrorists and should be sent back to where they came from.

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God Stephen Harper; I knew you were a liar, a pig, an idiot and a homophobe — but an outright racist? You even refused to apologise, saying that it was up to Bains to deny the facts reported about him. Clearly, I shouldn't be surprised by your bigoted behavior, but I still kind of am.

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Using racial stereotypes and personal attacks as a springboard to further your party's political agenda is unconscionable and disgusting. It's time to break out the big guns Stephen; You are officially: Dead to Me, Level Three. That's right, you heard me, Level Three! That's just one step above Hitler, Satan and Shannen Doherty. You are so dead to me that even my grandchildren's grandchildren will still sit around talking about what a horrible person you are.

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For the good of Canada, Navdeep Bains, and my personal sanity, I think we should turn Alberta back into a territory. That way Ottawa gets all their oil money and coo-coo conservative yahoos like Harper and the people who vote for him no longer have any say in parliament. Everyone in the rest of Canada would be a whole lot happier.

Disreputable Planet

Given the opportunity there aren’t many places in the wouldn’t go; Kyrgyzstan, Chad, you name it. But one place I would not go is Burma. —Now don’t get me wrong, I’d love to go. It’s supposed to be beautifully amazing. However, democratically elected leader and Noble Prize winner, Aung San Suu Kyi asked tourist not to visit Burma after the military seized power in 1988.

Since the coup, the military junta has done heaps of annoying and terrible things like: change the name of the country (to obnoxious and unfamiliar Myanmar); moved the capital (to Naypyidaw, a dusty, purpose-built settlement in the middle of nowhere); crippled the economy, tortured and killed pro-democracy activists; and persecuted ethnic minorities. In short, they are total douchbags. They have also kept Aung San Suu Kyi under an unflinching and unwavering house arrest which has prevented her from seeing her British-born children for the past 18 years, and kept her away from her husband’s funeral in 1999 (whom she’d hadn’t seen since 1989).

The jerk-faced Burmese military likes to have a finger in every pie and controls almost all aspects of the tourism industry (or more correctly most all aspects of every industry): hotels; transportation; restaurants; businesses; whatever’s going, you know they’re cashing in on it. Tourist dollars go straight into military coffers and provide much-needed foreign exchange to prop-up to the regime. Because this money allows the military junta to buy arms, consolidate their power, and smother dissent, Ang San Suu Kyi has asked foreign tourists to spend their money elsewhere and to not visit Burma.

Back in November (when I wanted to write this post, but didn’t have time), Lonely Planet published its fifth edition guide to Burma (nauseatingly referred to as ‘Myanmar’). That’s one-two-three-four-five editions of a guide to a country that shouldn’t even be on the tourist radar at all. Why are they publishing this guidebook? To go against the wishes of a nation’s democratically elected leader and put money in the pockets of a brutalitarian regime is totally irresponsible.

They do include a two-page “Should You Go to "Myanmar"?” section, which *of course* tells you should go (because otherwise you’re not going to buy their guidebook), arguing the trickle-down benefit to the local people. Realistically, if you are seriously concerned about the plight of the average Burmese person, I’m sure your money would have a much bigger impact and be of more benefit if you were to donate it to the Burma Campaign, rather than staying in a government-run hotel and wondering how that helps the local people when employees don’t get paid for months at a time then get beaten up if they try to complain.

Conversely, if you are a humble adventure tourist in search of a nice place for a vacation, there are plenty of countries in the world (without a self-imposed travel ban) where the local people are just as deserving of your tourist ¥¥¥ as the Burmese.

Anyway you dice it, this guidebook to Burma is bad news. People should not be going there, pointe finale. Lonely Planet, I’m calling you out for ignoring your moral duty and the request of Ms Suu Kyi, in the hopes of turning a quick buck. Shame on you! Your Lonely Planet Guide to “Myanmar” puts dollar signs ahead of social responsibility, and supports an oppressive and brutal dictatorship. –Because of this, I’m banishing Lonely Planet guidebooks from my bookshelf forever. You are: Dead to Me!

(If you stop publishing Burma guidebooks, or if the travel ban is lifted, you might get off my list, if you’re lucky. I probably still ixnay your guidebooks though for being such kowtowing, lackey jerks in the first place).

Morning Musume Against the World

A while ago, I posted a Christmassy Youtube which featured Japanese pop superstars “Morning Musume.” As I mentioned, they are akin to the Spice Girls — Not really my bag so much, but hugely popular; with a roster of up to 13 singers changing faster than you can say ‘sushi combo #3.’ They've been riding the crest of the J-Pop wave, in numerous permutations, for a decade now, and show no signs of abating really.

Along the way, it would seem that they have had some monkeyshine run-ins with the animal kingdom. First, boy-band Smap! dressed up as bizarro Christmas poodles to shoot a music video with them, and then things got all Mutual of Omaha-crazy on them. So now, I present to you:

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Morning Musume and the Menagerie of Bizarritude!

Morning Musume vs. Komodo Dragon
I thought everyone had seen this already, so I hadn’t posted it here, but apparently not. Now remember, these girls are big stars in Japan…


Morning Musume vs. Polar Bear

Can you imagine anything even remotely like this happening here? Christ, they are good sports over there. Brittney would never put on a mouse costume and run through the owl barn when I asked her.

Morning Musume vs. Snake
I think the girl in this is from Morning Musume, but I’m not sure. Either way, WTF!!! How did this get on TV?!

Japanese for Half-Assed People VI

Genki: 元気: (ghen-key): adj., n. energetic

While the literal meaning of ‘genki’ is energetic, it’s used as a ‘how are you’-type greeting.

Ex:
A: Genki?
B: Un, genki!

(or more formally)
A: O-genki desu ka?
B: Hai, genki desu yo!

However, unlike “How are you?,” which is an open-ended question with many possible responses, “genki?” assumes the natural state is energetic and up — Anything else requires a dissenting and contradictory “no,” which is simply terrible for maintaining a good sense of wa (harmony).

Demanding happy conformity is oh-so very Japanese.

Dead to Me: My Job

Yeah, and here's another news flash; I like booze!

For anyone who's spent time with me in the last four months, you know that I find my job lameage to the max. —Basically I spend the day trying to solve problems; annoying, pointless problems; problems that wouldn't even exist if other people did their jobs properly in the first place. Terribly and intensely unsatisfying!

It's bland and suburban like a Wonderbread sandwich, and somewhat rather less exciting.

That is why I'm so enthusiastic about my Get-Me-the-Hell-Out-of-Here plan. While I am super-happy and lucky to know so my totally awesome people in Toronto, if I stay in this job I might as well move to Pickering right now and smother myself with oppressive mediocrity and minivans.

So, it looks like all signs point to going back to school, and those signs say "Paris." I'm in the middle of the application process for this translation school that's attached to the Sorbonne. School in France is *so* cheap, I'd be stupid to even consider going to school in Canada — about 4500$ dollars stupid since tuition in France is only about 500€ a year! Even though I'm a foreign student! And I get free national health-care! And I get a government stipend for a part of my rent! Crazy. Why doesn't everyone go to school in France?! So crazy; when I was talking to the girl who works in the education section of the French consulate, I couldn't even believe all the stuff she was telling me. So crazy cheap! It's a two year programme which gives me a masters in translation in the end, which is basically a ticket to ride, since pretty much every company in Canada needs translators.

I will have to go to Paris to write the entrance exam in April (since I missed the deadline for writing the overseas exam by a day!). Not tooo bad, Paris in springtime and all, but it's paying for the airfare that's the sticky wicket. The exams are the week before Easter, which is more expensive to fly than any other week in the spring. Boo-urns.

If I'd had any sense, I'd have stayed in Nihon, saved some yen and gone directly to Paris from there (and of course by 'sense' I mean 'ability to predict the future'). Well, I'm sure a week with hot, dirty French pédés will be good for my, uh, linguistic skills.

Now, I don't doubt that when I get accepted, my couch will become a flophouse for all my itinerant and wayward friends in search of Eurotrip hijinx, so I'll put the invite out there in preemptive anticipation; "My fromagey-mimey apartment is your fromagey-mimey apartment."

Gay Paree, here I come!

Worst/Best Headline *Ever*!

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Yeah, I bet he takes it – takes it real good!

Now, if I was a repressed and closeted Hollywood A-lister like Leo, my publicist would be so fired for letting this headline get out there. As if he really needed to advertise the fact that he’s a big power bottom and a selfish lover.

Way to go Metro for dishing the kind of salacious news-gossip we all want to know!

Japanese for Half-Assed People V

Hisashiburi: 久しぶり: (hee-sa-shii-bu-riiii): adv. After a long time

You say 'hisashiburi' as you would 'long time no see' — only that 'long time no see' makes you sound like a neo-maxi-zoom-dweebie, whereas hisashiburi ends with that same endearing, high-pitched squealy "iiiiii" that makes Japanese so kawaii and fun.

Example:

Jimmy Hoffa: "Hisashiburi!"
Gladys Hoffa: "Where the hell have you been?"

Chimo

Those of you who have read Douglas Copeland's Souvenir of Canada will recognise this word. For those of you who haven't, you should –but in the mean time I'll explain. In the 1970s with the Olympics and Expo, draft-dodgers, Trudeau, bilingual cereal boxes and kicking Soviet hockey ass, Canada-mania reached new, dizzying heights. We were hot hot hot, and we needed a word that was cool. A Canadian word. And that word was "chimo."

Ostensibly, this came from an Innuktitut word meaning “bellbottoms are awesome,” Chimo failed to catch on, and with it, Canada missed its big chance to make a linguistic mark on the world.

I say the time is ripe to bring back “chimo” and kick off another phase Canadia-mania; with all our subversive gay weddings, unlocked doors, nationally-subsidised medicinal marijuana programmes and lesbian witches for abortion, who wouldn’t want to be Canadian these days?

Canada is so chimo!

So let’s all do our part, dialectise ourselves and create a chimo Canadian patois. If we keep it up, soon we’ll be as colourful as our Aussie cousins with all their ‘crikey’ and ‘flaming galahs.’

Go chimo!

Amazing Race No-Stars

.!!#?*$!?#*!?!#!$?.

W.T.F!!!!!! No Hippies? I am sooooo upset right now I can't believe it! The Hippies were the best racers of all time ever! As if anyone cares the slightest iota about seeing pasty-faced lame-os Rob and Amber schlep their over-exposed, reality asses around the world all over again. Yuck!

Blah, phwpt! I spit on you Amazing Race All Stars. You are dead to me!

How can you even pretend to be an all-stars edition when you lack the biggest stars of them all?!

Ugh. I don't even want to watch it now.

A Streetcar Named Displeasure

While I appreciate the aesthetic pleasantry of streetcars, I hate pretty much everything else about them. From the jerky, lurching ride to the simply terrible on time performance records, there’s a lot not to love. Quite frankly I can not imagine a worse form of transportation (except perhaps harnessing a team of blind monkeys to pull me down the street on a sled).

Streetcars are eternally getting stuck in traffic, so then they get all bunched up, which means there are more people waiting for the next car, it takes longer to load all the people who’ve been waiting, then the cars get slowed down even more, then there’s even more people waiting, even longer loading; it’s a ridiculous cycle of inefficiency.

It also drives me crazy that when stopped behind traffic at a red light, streetcars have to wait for the light to turn green, then move ahead the few meters to the stop to let people on/off, and by the time everyone is on the light has gone back to red. It would be so much better if the streetcar stop was after the intersection (I know that’s never going to happen because of traffic-flow issues, but it would improve the passenger experience by, oh, a million-billion times). I once waited at Yonge Street on the Dundas car while the light cycled through three times waiting for everyone to get on; the light changed back to red, then more people came off the subway and the light change back to red again, then more people came again!! Aaaargh!

I live for the day when I no longer have to deal with the crowded-front/empty-back and every other obnoxious hassle that is TTC streetcars.

Oh yeah, and it costs almost three dollars to ride!

Streetcars: Ask anyone, I’m the biggest advocate of public transit there is; if it were up to me, private cars would be illegal. But my love affair ended the minute I had to depend on you everyday to get to work. You are ineffective and inefficient. There’s no real hope for change, you are officially “Dead to Me.”

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(Please note, none of the above applies to the Spadina streetcar, which by virtue of having its own right-of-way, is actually fantastic. All streetcars should have their own right-of-way, but they don’t, so they suck).

Tiki Hula Luau

Thanks to everyone who came out and made 'my special day' one of the best birthdays *ever*! From the champagne breakfast and the Chinatown ice-cream cake to the Hula Luau that one person even said was "the best party they'd ever been to in Toronto," the whole day was simply amazing. The party was so tiki-tastic that it even had pre-party buzz going on other blogs.


I owe all this amazing fabulousness to you, all my super-sugoi fantastic friends! Thank you all so much for reminding me of the reason I moved back to Toronto. You guys are so awesome, and rock so hard, I'm getting a bit teary with appreciation for how wonderful you all are. I love you guys! Mwah!

They Got Ping-Pong

Looks as though I'm not the only one down on China right now. The Toronto Star seems to think they're a bunch of no-goodniks too.

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Does this call for a drop down to the ranks of "Dead to Me"?

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Article here.

stuff + cats = awesome!

Um, like the best site on the internet *ever* (after this one of course). Stuffonmycat.com is for people who like to take stuff and put it on top of their cat and then take pictures and send them in. Cats are so amazing — you could never get a dog to co-operate and do these kind of crazy shenanigans. Cats are like the best animals *ever* — except of course for sea otters, which are so cute they make me kind of dizzy.

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They Got the Red Book, They Got the New Look

Remember back in the day when everyone hated on the Soviet Union and got upset when they used their superior gymnastic technology to beat us in the Olympics? Then they self-destructed and it was America 's turn to be top-dog obnoxious bully. Well ladies and gentlemen, I'm calling it right now and you heard it here first: the 21st century's super-power super-villain is the People's Republic of China .

They snuck up on us with their cheap running shoe factories and delicious hoisin sauce and now they're well on their way to overtaking our rowdy southern neighbours for the title of "The Superpower You Love to Hate" — at least America has an elected government to keep up the checks and balances.

Let's review the evidence of China 's newfound jerkyness: Let's start with Taiwan. Taiwan is its own country, end of story. Why does China even care so much — Taiwan has no resources and little historical significance to the mainland. Could it perhaps be their bloated ego and over-inflated sense of self importance? Taiwan has been trying to resolve this ridiculous aberration of diplomacy for the past twenty years, but is scared youknowwhatless by China's huge army and threats of immediate attack.

Tibet — hmmn, how to put it nicely? China's invasion of Tibet in 1950 blows, and their continued efforts to destroy Tibetan culture and suppress self-determination blows even harder! Hey PRC: Get the hell out of Tibet! It does not belong to you except in your own delusional mind. Your thinly-veiled attempt to erase Tibetan identity by promoting mass Han Chinese migration and wrapping it in a pale veneer of 'economic development' is disgusting and smacks of cultural genocide. — Hoo-wee, Tintin, getting a bit hot under the collar there. Moving right along...

Human rights; at the moment, China only has terrible human rights for its own citizens, but how long before it tries to push its brand of commie management on everyone else (à la present global-capitalist American hegemony)? From Tian'anmen to Falun Gong and prison labour, China 's human rights record is boo-urns.

The whole problem is that no one wants to take China to task for its meanie-badness because they don't want to piss off the world's biggest market. So pretty much everyone just turns a blind eye and looks the other way, pretending everything is fine, when really China is executing and torturing people left, right and centre. Any place that, for example, harvests organs from political prisoners deserves a whole heap of sanctions and international condemnation instead of a tsk-tsk-tsk and ineffectual finger-wagging. The PRC's authoritarian, un-elected government certainly makes all these problems worse.

Clearly the People's Republic of China should go in the 'Dead to Me' section, but it has a special place in my heart and I just can't bring myself to do it — there are simply far too many things I love; chopsticks, propaganda art, the Temple of Heaven, dragons, pirated DVDs, spicy crispy ginger pork. I'll have to content myself with 'On Notice,' but be warned China; you better stop resting on your Moo-shu laurels and get your act together before I'm forced to drop you down to 'Dead to Me' with Pope Eggs Benedict.

All that being said however, Americans are still a bunch of bat-crazy mo-fos ↓↓↓.

Perez Hilton: Yey or Ney?

Perez Hilton is in "beeg traable for moose and squirell" now that everyone is suing him for a zillion dollars. It would seem that, among other things, some celebs are unhappy at being chased out of the closet.

Do celebrities, by virtue of being public figures, give up their right to privacy? While I think celebrities do deserve privacy, I'm conflicted on this topic however, when it comes to outing. There are two reasons for this; the first is visibility. When I was young, if I'd had gay role models to look up to other than Mr Humphries and Svend Robinson, I'd probably have ended up a lot less weird than I am now. If high school has taught me anything, it's that three-quarters of all boys in drama class are homos. It would therefore stand to reason that you couldn't swing a last-season Prada bag in Hollywood without hitting a poofy bender. But instead we have a dearth of fey fairy princesses and a cavalcade of rumours (which are all true). What ever happened to strength in numbers? C'mon, homo solidarity people!

The second reason is that I don't really understand why being gay is considered something "private." I mean, being Jewish or Black isn't considered "private," so why is being gay? Is it perhaps because we're somehow ashamed, and want to keep it hidden and secret?

I know there is the whole issue of gay actors being able to get good roles, but really, haven't we moved beyond that already? Aren't all the closeted actors the ones perpetuating this stereotype more than anyone else? And even if that were that case, I'll be *so* upset if Jake Gyllenhal isn't able to make 17 million dollars a movie anymore and won't be able to ride his diamond-encrusted albino elephant to the money factory. Boo-hoo-hoo! Time to gather up your cajones and come out boys. I know it took a long time to get there, but Black actors now play roles that don't have anything to do with being Black; I think studio execs would come around pretty quickly when they realise that, holy crap, everyone in Hollywood is a raging homo.

In early anticipation of National Coming Out Day (11 October), the following people are gay:
Leonardo DiCaprio
Hayden Christensen
Jessica Alba
Tom Cruise (woops! How did he get in there?)

Ricky Martin
Jake Gyllenhaal
Maggie Gyllenhaal
Lance Armstrong
Jimmy Fallon
Elijah Wood
Sherlock Holmes
Sally Struthers
Lunchlady Doris
Mary Queen of Scots

Jeff Probst

Helen Keller

Okay– so some of those people probably aren't gay (yeah, they're air-quote "bisexual"). The point is I fully support Perez Hilton's stated goal of outing everyone in Hollywood. Who's with me?

2006 Year In Review

The end of the year is nigh upon us, so it's time for my annual spot of reflection and quiet contemplation which I'm sharing with all of you, my beautiful friends, and, uh, everyone else by posting it here (though I've heard some places in Turkmenistan might not yet have internet).

Every year I like to think back on the people, places and events that make up my own personal Time magazine 'Year In Review.' What makes the highlight reel, what winds up on the cutting room floor? In the spirit of "out-with-the-old," let’s start with the lowlights:

§...While the rest of this list is presented in no particular order, by far and away the worst thing of 2006 was Jase moving back to Australia. I could yimmer-yammer on for reams and crack out the thesaurus to find new words for "bad," but Jase and I both know how much it sucked. Especially the Shinjuku Station part, but also the run up and the aftermath part.

§...Back to Canada Packing Freak-Out. I thought I was doing so well, shipping off boxes far in advance, then I put one thing in my suitcase and realised that there was no way in hell everything was going to fit in there! How can you pack four years of living and shopping into a suitcase? I started to panic, and might have even hyperventilated at one point. The stress was overwhelming.

§...Getting shingles. Blah, I felt like death.

§...Taking a pay cut coming back to Canada.

§...Going home after work to an empty house in April and May.

§...Twice a week help shifts from hell at Nakano Sakaue, featuring the absolute *thickest* students. (Also, though to a lesser extent, help shifts at Nakano Minami and Kami Shakujii; terrible).

§...Reality check coming back to Toronto: the city is dirty, public transit sucks, the shopping is lame.

§...Voice Room with Masaharu (or the voice room in general). For any non-Nihon readers out there, words are not enough to describe the drawn-out torture that is a conversation circle with people who refuse to converse with each other.

§...Being totally rudderless and without direction when I got back to Toronto.

§...Leaving Tokyo, which really felt like my home for four years, and leaving lots of friends from all over the place, knowing it might be a long long time before I saw them again. The Narita Express to the airport was particularly brutal. I think I cried the whole two-hour ride.

Blah! That was a depressing trip down memory lane —Now begone with you bad thoughts! Time for the highlights of the year past, again in no particular order:

‡...Meeting Amazing Race winners BJ and Tyler walking along Yonge Street. They were so friendly and personable, I couldn't believe it! They both gave me big hugs and seemed genuinely interested in chatting with me. By far and away the most amazing Amazing-Racers *ever,* I can't wait to see them in All-Stars next season. TTOW!!

‡...My final day at Nova. Emancipation at last! Never again will I have to deal with the likes of Keiko Minaguchi, Masaharu and Rina, teach TOEIC to idiots, or answer the dreaded question "Why did you come to Japan?" Thank god!

‡...Travel will inevitably always make up part of the "Best Of," and this year was no exception. Quite a diverse year with my overland trip from Beijing to Tokyo, New York jaunt, Algonquin, and of course the Dark Continent. If I had to pick out just one thing, it would be in Ghana as our dilapidated taxi was driving into the countryside after Aflao, though emerald rice fields and swaying coconut trees, sun shining, African highlife music playing on the stereo. A truly perfect moment.

‡...All the absolutely top-quality people I've had the great fortune to meet since coming back here. Toronto may have its drawbacks, but it's the amazingness of the people that really makes it a great place to live. Micheal, Dave, Jolie-kun, Ric and Rob; I'd probably have gone sushi-homesick-crazy and wound up back in Tokyo, desperate and penniless, working the corner of Yasukuni-dōri and Meiji-dōri if it hadn't been for the likes of you guys.

‡...Finding a direction to my life (finally). It's all still up in the air at this point, so knock wood and don't jinx it, but all signs point to me going to back to school (in gay Paree) to become a translator. Fingers crossed — though I think this is definitely got me going somewhere, so watch out; I'm back on track (and back in black).

‡...Sex with models. Okay, only one model –and I know it's really shallow to include it here– but whatever, it was hot.

‡...Oh, and here comes more shallowness: Great shopping buys. Blue jacket, swimsuit, belt-buckle, I think Century 21 might be my new favourite place anywhere, though it's a tough call between that and Gotemba Premium Outlet Mall. I fully admit to being really, really lame, but whatever – I do what I want!

‡...Of course a 2006 highlight would be seeing all my awesome family and friends again after so long away, as well as an exciting renewal of the 'Social Calendar' featuring the long-anticipated return of the annual Island Barbeque and the introduction of Quiz Night. —Thanks you guys for making the Social Calendar the cavalcade of hijinxs I've come to know and love.

‡...After a similar round-up from last year, in which I decided I was too skinny in the chestal-arms region, I resolved to do push-ups and that kind of mild physical exertion, which has actually paid off. Look better, feel better. And as addendum to my new Participaction regime, I spent a tonne of time at the outdoor pool around the corner from my house this summer – so much fun!

‡...You can’t help but love Disneyland, and Tokyo Disney is no exception – especially with Jase and our chō baka antics, like posing for the hidden camera on the Temple of Doom ride (right before the rolling boulder), and eating something from every different “Land” in the park. Jase even went on the teacups, just to make me happy, even though it made him queasy. What a trooper!

“What Was I Thinking? 2006”

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That tie doesn’t go with that shirt!

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“Best Dressed 2006”
I know this is a re-post, but retro-terrorist chic is so hot this year.

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"Favourite Photos 2006"

This is my favourite photo of me from the past year

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My favourite photo I took in 2006 — Statue of former 'Life President' Kwame Nkrumah at the National Museum in Accra. I don't know what exactly it is about it, but I feel it conveys a lot of emotion.

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"New Year’s Resolutions"

As per tradition, my New Year’s resolution is always to be more fabulous. First, let’s year-in-review the fabulosity of 2006: black pony-hair shoes; fabulous. One year, four continents; fabulous! This photo of me is pretty fabulous:

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Not so fabulous: my job, the commute, emo-robot Nihon-jin staring at me as I cry inconsolably in Shinjuku station (various occasions), shingles scars on my face (thankfully mostly gone now).

I would currently rate my fabulousness level at ‘glitter’ with a dip down to ‘glimmer’ in the aftermath of “Sayonara Nippon.” I’m aiming for a ‘sparkle’ rating in 2007 – ambitious, but I think I can make it.

Best wishes, good luck and rockin' times to all of you in the year ahead. Happy New Year! Bonne Année! ¡Feliz Año Nuevo! 明けましておめでとうございます ! 恭賀新禧!

Japanese for Half-Assed People IV

Chō: 超: (cho): adj. Very

After a long hiatus, Japanese for Half-Assed People returns so that I can start to use this word again in my everyday English and have people understand me. I love this word and used it all the time, it’s so handy and fun: I’m chō tired; this train is chō late; Palau Jeff is chō kawaii.

In a very Japanese one-word-with-opposite-meanings, I thought that ‘chō,’ meaning ‘very’ was short for ‘chotto,’ which means ‘a little bit,’ but this is not the case. Japanese is a chō interesting language!

Doppelgängers

Last weekend my new BFF Joel and I realised that we are actually the same person! Super-freaky!

Let's review the evidence shall we: our birthdays are only six days apart, so we are both dark and brooding, pensive Capricorns. We are both left-handed. We are both essentially 'reverse bananas,' for lack of a better term (white on the outside, yellow on the inside). (Oops! Is that offensive? Whatever— everyone knows I'm actually a Chinese spy who had extensive plastic surgury to infiltrate this Gay Agenda terrorist cell). We are both productive in the mornings. We are both insanely cute (and in uploading this photo I notice that our eyes are even the same colour). Really the list goes on and on.

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Joel, we are so exactly the same person. All you need now is to live in Tokyo for four years and then people won't even be able to tell us apart — which will be awesome because then we can cruise together for guys with hot, twisted twin fantansies. Sugoi! I can't wait!

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Hot Survivor Gayness

Alternate title: "Black, Brown, Yellow Power!"

Last night's Survivor: Cook Islands final episode capped off the most action-packed season since All Stars. The ups, the downs, the come-from-behind, Aitu, Raro, great challenges, and the racial divide. Kudos to you Cook Islands!

During the reunion show, Drumboy said "I think JP is gay" —and while the the though that this muy caliente pro volleyball player was a bender never occured to me during the course of the season, a few clicks of the internet confirmed his raging hot festiveness (1, 2, 3). Apparently there's even been rumours circulating that JP and fellow teammate Brad have been having their own tribal council, if you know what i'm saying (1).

In honour of JP's amazing pecs, I present to you a retrospective of lustyful Survivors of yore. Enjoy!

Jeff - Palau

Silas - Africa














Jed - Thailand

Kel - Australia

John - Vanuatu

Aras - Panama
















Burton - Pearl Islands

Johnathan - Palau

Three Things

Thanks to Joel via Dave for keeping me entertained and thinking whilst bored at work.

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THREE THINGS THAT SCARE ME
1. Evangelical Christians
2. Conservatives
3. Male Pattern Baldness

THREE THINGS I DON'T UNDERSTAND
1. Why people are conservative - if no one was ever progressive, we'd all still be cavemen
2. The insanely low production values of Japanese television
3. The appeal of casinos

THREE THINGS I'D LIKE TO LEARN
1. Proper Japanese - none of this half-assed, casual convo only nonsense.
2. How to snowboard. I feel like a lame-o dinosaur with my skis now.
3. Why Jeffery won Project Runway when he had some pieces that were totally ugly and he went over budget! —Uli should have definitely won.

THREE THINGS I'M WEARING RIGHT NOW
1. Grey and yellow Uniqlo socks
2. Lucky horseshoe belt buckle
3. "Envy" by Gucci

THREE THINGS ON MY DESK - well, I don't have a desk at home and my desk at work is maximally lame, so, three things on my dresser then:
1. Photos of 'the big three'
2. an unhappy plant
3. map of Europe circa 1901 waiting to be framed (I'm such a nerd)

THREE THINGS I WANT TO DO BEFORE I DIE
1. Travel around the world without leaving the ground (no planes)
2. See a couture fashion show
3. Slut my way from Madrid to Moscow

THREE GOOD THINGS ABOUT MY PERSONALITY
1. I'm pretty unflappable; it takes a lot to get my feathers ruffled
2. Independent; e.g. some people don't like to travel alone, I love it! Total freedom
3. Confident; I always feel everything will work out just fine, and when it doesn't, see #1.

THREE BAD THINGS ABOUT MY PERSONALITY
1. Avoidance. I tend to avoid problems, which in turn causes more problems later on
2. I'm a bad conversationalist – I don't feel comfortable offering things up in many situations
3. Aloof – I'd often rather spend time with myself then make awkward chitchat with acquaintances

THREE PARTS OF MY HERITAGE
1. French Canadian
2. Tintin
3. Nomad

THREE THINGS I LIKE ABOUT MY BODY
1. Jaw
2. Calves (Calfs?)
3. Cheekbones Waist

THREE THINGS I DON'T LIKE ABOUT MY BODY
1. Foreskin – or more correctly, lack thereof
2. Hair on my hands
3. Arms (skinny)

THREE THINGS MOST PEOPLE DON'T KNOW ABOUT ME
1. Although a staunch left-handist, I bowl with my right hand
2. I never learned to read music and had to cheat all the way through elementary school instrumental music class
3. Currently I've completed 12% of my goal of visiting the whole world.

THREE THINGS I SAY THE MOST
1. Awesome. - Used both ironically and non-ironically
2. Vis-à-vis
3. Sugoi!

THREE PLACES I WANT TO GO
Only three? —Jeez. Well for the time being:
1. Brazil
2. Morocco
3. Tahiti