31 December 2008

2008 Year In Review: Photo

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Travel
Fes El Djedid

Mont St-Michel

Barcelona

Chambord

Berlin

Prenzlauer Alle

Cam River


Portrait
Balcony

Riad El-Bartal

Centre Georges Pompidou


Auto-Portrait
Arc de Triumf

Daniel-san

Hallway


Moé p'y Toé
Michael & Me

Polish & Me at Amélie's supermarket

Jer, Katherine & Me


Best Dressed
WWII Cadet

Hat-Sweater

Fez Hat


What Was I Thinking?
Lion Attack

Ho ho ho!


Around Town
Hôtel des Invalides

Catherine de Médici

Musée des Arts et Métiers

La Tour Eiffle

Gare d'Austerlitz

Palais Royale

2008 Year In Review

Like sands through an hourglass, these are the days of our lives.

DOWN
¤...Trying andouillette sausage. Quite possibly the most foul and revolting thing ever to have been invented by mankind. Absolutely vile. (Post here).

¤...Stress from school, work and France turning my hair grey. After a long hiatus from the hairdresser whilst growing my hair, I was completely aghast to go a few weeks ago and see that fully one quarter of all the hair that was lying on the floor was grey! Grecian formula here I come!

¤...Failing a class by an eighth of a point (full story) and the horribleness of my school in general. I feel like I'm not really learning anything to which is added an impossible workload and a byzantine and incompetent administration. Justanotheryearandahalf, justanotheryearandahalf, justanotheryearandahalf. My new mantra.

¤...London gets a lot of flack for having bad weather, but the weather in Paris is equally as horrible all year long. Grey, wet, cold, windy, miserable. In December, there were eight hours of sunlight during the whole month! The very few sunny, hot days of summer were absolutely revolting: sweaty and humid without a lick of air conditioning, even in the subway (which is one place it is most desperately needed).

¤...Running myself into the ground with my insane work/school schedule this semester. Scurrying around the city from 9AM to 9PM most days of the week, scheduling homework time on the subway and collapsing, exhausted into bed at 2 in the morning, never managing to get everything done for the next day.

¤...It's hard to judge which was the singularly worst course in the thousand-year history of higher education: Théorie de la traduction taught by Mme Plassard or Mr Bruyère's Initiation au Droit (Intro to Law). Both classes were excruciatingly awful in their own way, but I think blatant xenophobia and racism on the part of Mr Bruyère might have made his class that extra slight bit worse. He did fail every single non-francophone in the class after all.

¤...Trying to renew my titre de séjour (my residence permit). Four appointments later and I still don't have the paperwork needed to get this taken care of. Every time I go an waste a day standing in line, they ask me for new documents which they haven't told me I needed to bring! After screaming and shouting my way through my most recent appointment, I left the immigration office in tears because I still don't have what I need, and now I'm an illegal alien!

¤...Michael moving back to Canada.

¤...About a solid month of bickering and fighting with my old lunatic roommate to get my deposit back. When I moved out, he insisted I pay for a professional to repaint my room to cover up two scratches on the wall. I, of course, thought this was preposterous and said I would do it myself. He said that was unacceptable. I said he was being unreasonable. And so on and so forth, etcetera, etcetera, until we were both so blue in the face that we gave up yelling and just sent hostile text messages and emails to each other. In the end we compromised, split the deposit 50/50 and neither one of us was happy.

¤...The worst week of my life. Already blogged about here. 'Nuff said.

UP

₪...Mika concert at Parc des Princes in June. Acrobats and juggling bears! Exotic girls, Fire-eaters! Muscle-men, contortionists! Intrigue, danger and romance! Electric lights, machinery, oh the electricity! — The best concert in the history of the Universe ever.

₪...Crazy roommate begone! Bye-bye smelly religious gay lawyer! Au revoir Sarajevo-style bathroom and washing machine in the middle of the kitchen! Adieu putrid cooking smells of rancid disgustingness (Sauerkraut + tinned brussel sprouts + fish heads in microwave)! Salut pastel patchwork shell-suit track pants that look like an Easter egg committed suicide. Good bloody riddance to any connexion I ever had to his sad, sorry, depressing and depressive life! I love my new apartment, my new neighbourhood and my new roommate. I couldn't be happier I moved.

₪...The simply amazing and wonderful people I've had the good fortune to meet. Michael, Cindy, Victoire, et al; you are wonderful and amazing people and I am truly blessed to have met you. Thank you for the many good times we shared over the past year (despite France's best efforts to ruin our lives).

₪...Champagne-soaked New Year's on the Champs Élysées with Polish and DN. A New Year's that actually lived up to the holiday hype for once!

₪...Feeling like the last person left on Earth, sitting on a rock next to a gurggling alpine waterfall, after hiking through the absolute remoteness of the Andorran Pyrenees.

₪...After being motivated by several seasons of So You Think You Can Dance, I finally joined a modern dance class in Paris. There is something fundamental about dance I totally love. You connect to something deeply 'inner' and carry it through you to the outside world. I'm begining to undertstand the deep emotional connexions people can have to dancing. —Plus, I'm not the worst person in the class.

₪...Escaping the tyrannical opulence and winter grey of Paris for some good ol' fashion QT with family and friends over Christmas. A year and a half is really far too long to be away.

₪... Cycling across the Pont de Sully in May. Life was good. Only five more months 'til I can do it all over again (or 151 days or 13,046,400 seconds, but who's counting?)

₪...Mum's visit. There's an old French saying that "Paris is not France." After two wonderful weeks exploring Normandy and the Loire, I couldn't agree more. The "real" France actually has chock-a-block charm with quaint little towns, wildflowers and smiling, friendly people. It was quite a revelation to me that I don't, in fact, hate France at all. It's just Paris that's a vacuum of ostentation and arrogance. Who knew?

₪...Travel. 2008 was rung in with a champagne hangover and trip to Rock the Casbah in Fes and wound up in the icy Jack Frost darkness of Canadiana winter. A fantastic travel year which included my first micro-state -the gorgeous mountains of Andorra-, punting down the Cam River in England, East-meets-West sauerkraut sensations in Berlin and rockin' round the clock during my Zürich layover.

New Year's Resolutions
As always, my New Year's Resolutions is to be more fabulous, which I hope to accomplish with the help of a snappy new suit and an increased champagne intake (I am living in France after all).

Another resolution for 2009 is to improve my French accent. My French accent was actually better before arriving in La France and has slowly degenerated into a mouth-full-of-marbles broad Anglo mess. It's time to faire des efforts as Gran-maman would say!

After 2008, the year of Lost In France, I think everything well on track for a fabuleux 2009.

Happy New Year!
Bonne Année !
¡Feliz Año Nuevo!
明けましておめでとうございます!
恭賀新禧!

15 December 2008

Take That — Do What U Like

Quite possibly the gayest, most homoerotic thing ever to have come out of Enland:

Do What U Like

I had to excuse myself after watching.

05 December 2008

La República Bananera de Canadá

Stephen Harper is a jerk-faced pig dog!

But tell me something I didn't already know...

How can he, in all honesty and with a straight face, say it is undemocratic for representatives of 62% of the population to form the country's government? –Seems pretty democratic to me. Then, when things look like they're not going his way, he has the Governor-General shut down Parliament. Uh, hello, what could be less democratic?!

Now that Harper has shut Parliament, what's next? Burning it down à la Nazi Reichstag? Honestly!

I thought I liked Michaëlle Jean. I thought she was the kind of person who would be bold enough to do something visionary and actually make this country a better place, run by MPs with the support of two-thirds of the population. I guess not. It's very unsettling to me that I haven't seen any newssource comment on her justifications for being a kowtow lackey to our new Toad King despot, Stephen Harper. I can only assume the worst.

Your Excellency, The Right Honourable Michaëlle Jean, you are oh-so-clearly Dead to Me!

02 December 2008

Let's Groove!



Earth, Wind and Fire is definately my new favourite group of all time ever!

23 November 2008

Dancefloors, Breast Implants and Paradise

Nightclubs in Argentina are offering patrons the chance for a D cup

A hit telenovela is raising a storm of controversy on Latin American TV screens. Sin tetas no hay paraíso (Without Tits There Is No Paradise), is so popular that the title is fast turning into an everyday saying. The programme — about a young girl who believes breast implants will gain her a better life but lead her to a world of prostitution and drug dealers — has left many people talking about the show’s glamourisation of unequivocally-enhanced busts. But with contests, like ones in Argentine nightclubs where new breasts are given away as monthly door prizes, can the current public obsession with plastic surgery really be blamed on a single show?

“I want my tits!” scream contest hopefuls who pay between $5 to $20 to get into nightclubs for the chance of winning big. In a country where the minimum wage is $240, implants costing $2,800 are seen as an incredible jackpot. For Argentinean club owners, the women who come out to compete –and the men who follow– make for big business. The contests have become so ubiquitous in Argentina that locals are starting to refer to them as “dancing for your boobs” in reference the local version of Dancing with the Stars.

“People have gotten bored of cars and motorbikes as prizes. They want something new” defends local promoter Rodrigo Herrera. His club, located in La Rioja province in the north-west of the country, is just one of many across Argentina holding breast implant raffles.

Herrera says that people quickly tire of this kind of promotion at club events. Nevertheless, breast implant parties have become a goldmine. “People will never tire of sex” said famous British porn publisher, Paul Raymond.

Implants have become so common that getting a boob job is an everyday topic of conversation at any café or bar. There are TV shows about breast implants all day long and just by flipping through the Argentine channels, you end up knowing the advantages of gel implants over silicone, where the doctor should make the incision and whether it’s more or less painful to put the implant under the breast muscle rather than on top. Implants are so present that they’ve almost become an everyday consumer item. Subjected to constant advertising, many young girls are putting the surgery high on their wish list.

“You can’t raffle off breast implants as if they were a toaster-oven,” denounces Francisco Famá, spokesman for the Argentine Plastic Surgeons Association. That may be logical, but not everyone is paying attention. “Surgical tourists” are being enticed to Argentina on nip-and-tuck packages that cover not only the cost of the procedure, but also airfare, hotels and sightseeing trips.

With favourable exchange rates and highly-skilled surgeons, Argentina has quickly become one of the world leaders in plastic surgery, with more operations performed there than almost anywhere else.

15 November 2008

11 November 2008

The Teaches of Piggy



My new favourite thing!

28 October 2008

The Translation Project that Took Over my Life!

At the moment I am eat-sleep-breathing an enormous translation project for a friend of a friend. He's a photographer and he did an enthographic study of different endangered cultures for an exhibition at UNESCO. He asked me to translate the exhibtion guide. All fine and good. 26 pages by such-and-such a date; no problem. But then the pages were single-spaced, 8-point font... And they kept coming and coming and coming. More things to add or update or change everyday. The Never-Ending Story—only much, much longer!

I managed to farm out some of the work to friends, but it's still not enough. I haven't slept more than a few hours a night trying to get everything done. I just need it to be over, but instead I have more things in my inbox this morning

Here are some photos I took in the happy time when I still had a life.








18 October 2008

"I believe in distinct society – as long as someone else pays for it"



Oh those crazy Québécois; they'll do anything!

Have to admit though, cheese with french fries does make sense.

22 September 2008

Welcome Back

I step off the night train from Berlin into a rare morning sun of the Gare du Nord. Make my way through the station's wrought iron pillars like spindly tree trunks. Descend into the cavernous left luggage office to drop off my suitcase before heading off to teach. Go through the whole ordeal of x-raying my bag, emptying my pockets, taking off me belt, only to get inside and find that the change machine for the lockers is out of service. Back out through security and out to buy something I don't need then back again through all over again.

Go to the métro entrance to buy a ticket and find huge lines 20 people deep, to buy tickets at the counter. No automatic ticket machines. Go to the next entrance, find automatic ticket machines, half are out of service, an unstaffed ticket counter and more huge lines 20 people deep.

Finally get on the platform and hear the chimes of a service announcement: "Due to a strike by railway workers, service is currently disrupted and no trains are circulating outside of peak hours..."

Welcome back to France.

15 September 2008

My Walk Across Canada

Alternate title: My Walk From One Canada to Another

A sunny September day, I set out to walk across Canada in Paris.

I started at the Place du Canada and set out for my destination, la rue du Canada, seeing what I could along the way.

Place du Canada is tucked away behind the granite Belle Epoque extravagance of the Grand Palais (the Rocky Mountains?), right on the bank of the Seine (the St Lawrence?). I thought it bizarrely apropos that the intersection of Franklin D Roosevelt Avenue and Queen's Way was the Place du Canada.

Ironically, the Rue du Canada abuts the Rue de la Guadeloupe, which the French decided to keep in exchange for handing over Canada to the British after the Seven Years War in 1763.




A beautiful view of the place. Maybe meant to represent the Praries?


Some friends I picked up along the way.


My Canada includes Quebec.


Weird and spooky abandoned market I came across.


Canada Retouch? Indeed it does.


Destination: Rue du Canada




Rue du Canada seen from the intersection of Rue de la Guadeloupe.

07 September 2008

Andorran Vignette

The lunchtime sun shines off the mountainside into the river valley and I pause in front of a restaurant jostled between duty-free electronics stores. I consider the menu taped to the stucco as the restauranteur approaches. "Come in! Eat! Its good." I sit down. "¿Hablas español?" "–Sí, sí" I respond as Mr Moustache hands me a menu, written entirely in Catalan. Some recognisable, but what is "Botifarra amb mongetes"? "Xipiros"? "Espatlla de xai lostadas"?

Fourty seconds of bewildered menu searching later, Mr Moustache returns. "Are you ready to order?"
—"No. This menu is Catalan, not Spanish."
—"It's the same thing!" Shakes his head, and walks away –presumably to get a new menu. However, he does not return, affronted by my horrible linguistic faux-pas.

The sun blazes through the azur and shadows make pavid slants. I realise I will never know what "xipiros" are. I walk across the street to the welcoming arms of a picture menu, happy for the glossy, unjudgemental embrace of its laminated photographs.


03 September 2008

Operation T.D.

William Burrows writes about the 'Annexia', but it sounds more like France to me:

"I deplore brutality," he said. "It's not efficient. On the other hand, prolonged mistreatment, short of physical violence, gives rise, when skilfully applied, to anxiety and a felling of special guilt. A few rules or rather guiding principles are to be borne in mind. The subject must not realize that the mistreatment is a deliberate attack of an anti-human enemy on his personal identity. He must be made to feel that he deserves any treatment he receives because there is something (never specified) horribly wrong with him. The naked need of the control addicts must de decently covered by an arbitrary and intricate bureaucracy so the subject cannot contact his enemy direct."

Every citizen of Annexia was required to apply for and carry on his person at all times a whole portfolio of documents. Citizens were subject to be stopped in the street at any time; and the Examiner, who might be in plain clothes, in various uniforms, often in a bathing suit or pyjamas, sometimes stark naked except for a badge pinned to his left nipple, after checking each paper, would stamp it. On subsequent inspection the citizen was required to show the properly entered stamps of the last inspection. The Examiner, when he stopped a large group, would only examine and stamp the cards of a few. The others were then subject to arrest because their cards were not properly stamped. Arrest meant "provisional detention"; that is, the prisoner would be released if and when his Affidavit of Explanation, properly signed and stamped, was approved by the Assistant Arbiter of Explanations. Since this official hardly ever came to his office, and the Affidavit of Explanation had to be presented in person, the explainers spent weeks and months waiting around in unheated offices with no chairs and no toilet facilities.

Documents issued in vanishing ink faded into old pawn tickets. New documents were constantly required. The citizen rushed from one bureau to another in a frenzied attempt to meet impossible deadlines.

24 August 2008

Naa Naa Joutai In Da Club

This popped up on my iTunes today. It reminded me that I'd never gotten around to posting the video. Namie Amuro is one of the only J-Pop singers I really got into when I was there. She's originally from Okinawa, which is probably the reason why she's so cool (and why she sings part in English, because of all the American military bases there).



安室奈美恵 — Wowa

21 August 2008

The Worst Week of My Life

On Friday night, going home from a friend's house, I got in a bicycle accident. A car turned right and didn't see me in the bike lane. I braked to avoid crashing into the car, and wiped out trying to stop.

Since I was bleeding all over my favourite polo shirt, I had to got to the hospital to get stitches (two under my eyebrow). On the way to the hospital I lost my house keys. My roommate is in New York until the end of September, so the next morning I had to wander around for two hours to find a locksmith that was open on Saturday during August vacations. When I did eventually find one, he said he couldn't change the lock because it was lunch time! I almost jumped over the counter and strangled him!

After he had his lunch, he came over, charged me €800, and broke the lock. But then said that he didn't have the right lock to replace mine and would have to come back on Monday morning to finish it! AAAAAGHHH!!! WHY would you break a lock if you knew you couldn't replace it!?! I had to carry a screwdriver around with me all weekend so I could jimmy the lock open with it.

Then Monday, my bank card was declined when I tried to use it. Of course there is no Customer Service number to phone in France, so I had to go in to the branch and talk to someone who said that it would be fixed tomorrow — which, of course it wasn't. So I went back to the branch and was told I had to make an appointment with the branch manager to talk about my card. Now four days later –during which time I am unable to get money from my card– I meet with the bank manager and she tells me my account has been closed "on suspicion of money laundering". I had taken cash from my student line of credit at a bank machine to deposit in my French account to pay for tuition fees. Apparently, this is completely not allowed in France, to, you know, deposit money into your account, then try to use it later! Account closed — No ifs, ands or buts.

If it wasn't so bloody impossible to open a bank account in this country I would have simply said "Fuck you" and opened and account elsewhere. But instead I spent half an hour screaming and being a general asshole (because that's how to get things done in France) before the bank manager agreed to reopen my account with a €100 weekly limit. "But it's my money. Shouldn't I be able to access it whenever I want?" I said. "Non" she answered, "not in these circumstances."

I also got in a big argument on Wednesday with my loser ex-rommate who doesn't want to give me my €1100 deposit back because he wants me to pay to have the room repainted.

I think I've said "I hate France" more times in these past seven days than all the past twelve months put together. And it makes me wonder, did I actually ever, even once, say "I hate Japan" when I was living there?
Two adventures abroad that could not be more different.

15 August 2008

1, 2, 3, 4

Um, Feist is like, my new favouritest person in the whole universe ever!

12 August 2008

Castles, Cathedrals and Cheeses, oh my!

Only four or so months behind schedule, but here is the link to my photo album from my Mum's lovely visit to France in May.

We visited Normandy, Île-de-France (which isn't an island at all), and the imaginatively named "Centre" région. A great chance to get out of Paris and see a different côté of the country.


Thanks Mum!

08 August 2008

Canadian Humour

A French friend of mine asked me "What iz zee Canadian yumour?"

I thought I would have to go into this whole lengthy explanation of how Canada is stuck in some kind of grey zone between reruns of Are You Being Served? and sight gags with Balki and Cousin Larry. But then I realised, no, this is Canadian humour, and thank bloody God for it! :



Pure brilliance. Yeay Canada!

05 August 2008

Music Meme

I usually hate when people ask me what kind of music I like, because then I'm forced to answer "80s electro-synth-disco and cock rock", then have them look at me all judging like. Pfft – as if I didn't already know that they all secretly rock out to AC/DC when they think no one is around.

But, I've come across some cool stuff recently and decided to steal MA's music post idea thingy and try to pass it off as my own.

The rules are as follows:

List seven songs you are into right now. No matter what the genre, whether they have words, or even if they’re not any good, but they must be songs you’re really enjoying now.


Sonny J
Handsfree


Teki Latex
Les Matins de Paris


Bow Wow Wow
I Want Candy (Kevin Shields Remix)


MGMT
Kids'


Simian Mobile Disco
I Got This Down
—I apologise for the lame-o YouTube. There's no real video and this is all there was. Best just to listen and not watch.


Nelly Furtado vs. Mika
Say It Relaxed


Feist
1234 (Van She Remix)